The Bastard King of England

Now the minstrels sing of an English king of many long years ago He ruled his land with an iron hand though his morals were weak and low His only other garment was a dirty yeller shirt With which he tried to hide his hide but he couldn't hide the dirt.

Now the Queen of Spain was an amorous Jane A lascivious wench was she She longed to play in her loving way with the king across the sea So she sent a royal message with a royal messenger To invite the King of England down to spend the night with her.

Well when Phillip of France he heard it by chance He declared before his court, "The Queen prefers my rival just because I'm somewhat short." So he sent the Count of Zippity-Zap To give to the Queen a dose of clap To pass it on to the Bastard King of England.

When the King of England heard the news He cursed the Gallic farce He up and swore by the royal whore he'd have the Frenchman's arse He offered half the royal purse and a piece of Queen Hortense To any British subject who'd undo the King of France.

So the Earl of Sussex jumped on his horse and straightway rode to France Where he made a pass and he stripped the sash from Phillip's pajama pants And in front of a throng he slipped on a thong Leaped on his horse and galloped along Draggin' the Frenchman back to merry England.

When the King of England he saw the sight he felt in a faint on the floor For during the ride his rival's hide was stretched a yard or more And all the maids of England came down to London town And shouted 'round the battlements, "To hell with the British crown."