Four and twenty virgins came down from Inverness
And when they went back home again they were four and twenty less
Chorus 1
Singin' balls to your partner
Ass against the wall
If ya canna' get laid on a Saturday night (In the SCA, At [Name of Event], etc.)
Ya canna' get laid at all
Verse 2
The village idiot he was there, now what do you think of that?
Amusin' himself while abusin' himself, and catchin' it in his hat
Verse 3
The village whore now she was there, a layin' on the floor
And every time she opened her legs the suction closed the door
Verse 4
The village vicar now he was there, a-gettin' drunk and loud
He was swingin' from the ceiling while pissin' on the crowd
Verse 5
The village baker he was there, so drunk he began to scream
He grabbed the girls like great big tarts and pumped them full of cream
Verse 6
The village potter he was there, he made a dong of clay
He sat the girls upon the wheel and gave them all a lay
Verse 7
The village rabbi he was there, treatin' a knife like a toy
He swung and swished and he took an inch off every man and boy
Verse 8
The village acrobat he was there, a' screwin' on the stair
The bannister broke, he doubled his stroke and finished her off in midair
Verse 9
The village postman he was there, the poor man had the pox
He couldn't get a piece inside, so he screwed his own mailbox
Verse 10
The village hunter he was there, polishin' his gun with skill
Four girls were all barin' their asses, waitin' for the kill
Verse 11
The village fool now he was there, he had an amazin' lack of wits
For every time a girl would pass, he'd just drool on her tits
Verse 12
The village virgin she was there, the poor girl got a scare
But from under her dress she heard a voice "It's only my tongue up there!"
Verse 13
The village swordsman he was there, he had a rod like a train
And when he rammed an ass they cried, "My god he impaled my brain"
Verse 14
The village constable he was there, a-twirlin' his billy stick
Surprised were all the girls to find it was really a twelve inch prick
Verse 15
The village maiden now she was there, a clingin' to her dress
Bein' chased by a hoard of horny priests, her sins they would confess
Verse 16
The village nun she was there, great stains upon her habit
That was because she spent the night screwin' like a rabbit