Seven Nights Drunk

When I came home on Monday night, as drunk as drunk could be I saw a horse outside the door, where my old horse should be So I called my wife, (audience shouts: HEY WIFE!) And I said to her, would you kindly tell to me Who owns that horse outside my door, where my old horse should be?

Oh, you're drunk, you drunk, you silly old fool, Can't you plainly see? That's a lovely sow that my mother sent to me Well it's many a day I've traveled, a hundred miles or more But a saddle on a sow I've never seen before!

When I came home on Tuesday night......etc. Saw a coat behind the door......etc. Who owns that coat..... ...that's a lovely blanket... ...But buttons on a blanket....etc.

When I came home on Wednesday night.....etc. I saw a pipe upon the chair, where my old pipe should be...etc. ....Who owns that pipe..... ...That's a lovely tin-whistle that my mother sent to me! ...But tobacco in a tin-whistle I've never seen before!

When I came home on Thursday night......etc. I saw two boots beneath the bed.......etc. ...Who owns those boots.......etc. ...They're two geranium-pots...etc. ...But laces in geranium-pots....etc.

When I came home on Friday night......etc... Saw a head upon the bed......etc. ....Who owns that head.........etc. ...That's a baby boy...etc. ...but whiskers on a baby boy...etc.

When I came home on Saturday night....etc. Saw a rise beneath the sheets.....etc. ....Who owns that rise...... ...It's nothing but a shillelagh...etc. ...But knackers on a shillelagh....etc.

When I came home on Sunday night...etc. I saw a man walk out the door, a little after three! (shout: A.M.!) ....Who was that man......after three (shout: A.M.!) ...That's an English tax-man....etc. ...But an Englishman that could last till three....etc.